In the eye of the beholder...

Earlier this week I told a co-worker that I do not consider myself to be a cynic. He laughed in my face. I told a friend about my co-worker’s reaction. My friend laughed in my face. I told my mentor about my friend and my co-worker. She just smiled. All of this has led me to the conclusion that people consider me to be a cynic. While this revelation is disturbing in and of itself, it leads to a far more troubling question: Am I A Cynic?

Lets begin with my friends’ and co-workers’ opinion of me. They view me as a cynic so whether I am or not, the fact remains that I come off as one. Why? Am I really that negative? Their reaction made me consider my attitude and general life-style and I realized that yes, I was that negative. Most of my day was spent criticizing one thing or another. If it wasn’t a stupid thing one of my students wrote it was gender relations. If it wasn’t gender relations it was the church. If it wasn’t church it was BYU. If it wasn’t BYU it was gay rights. If it wasn’t gay rights it was global inequality. If it wasn’t global inequality it was some combination of all of the above. I’m generally angry about something, and I am rarely positive about anything. This realization is very disconcerting to me.

And yet, I wouldn’t say that I’m unhappy. Quite the contrary, I am very happy. Yes I’m often frustrated, but if I wasn’t, I wouldn’t be true to who I am. I mean, if we don’t become frustrated with the unequal, established order, how will we ever change it? Furthermore, whether I’m cynical or not, I have serious issue with being labeled as one. Cynics don’t change the world, they don’t have hope for a better future, they don’t fight for anything. But I do want to change the world. All I want to do is fight. That’s why I get angry, that’s why I constantly criticize, because I’m uncomfortable with the status quo. I mean my favorite poem is “Say Yes” for crying out loud! Cynics tell us you can’t but I want to shout to the world “You Can!”

Still, constantly giving off negative energy can’t be good. So how do I fight, but be positive at the same time? How do I refuse to accept inequality but still be joyful and excited? I mean part of the problem is that I’m fully aware of the depth and extent of the inequality. It’s bad enough that I study International Development which deals with GROSS inequality all day every day, but on top of that I’m a sociologist, which teaches you to see inequality EVERYWHERE. So what do I do? Ignore it? Compartmentalize it? Rationalize it?

The thing is though, I LIKE what I do. I LIKE studying International Development. No matter how angry my Sociology of Gender class makes me, no matter how annoyed I get at some of the truly asinine comments made in my Race and Ethnicity class, I LIKE my courses. I LIKE my readings. I LIKE discussing the things I discuss, and I LOVE working on things like the Hunger Banquet. I LIKE confronting people’s assumptions and challenging their ideas.

So, does this make me a cynic? If it does, do I need to change? And if I do, how do I do it?

Food for thought…