Saturday, September 19, 2009

Is it worth it?

I had a conversation this afternoon with a dear friend of mine, who was trying to decide if she should continue a difficult relationship with someone she loves. I was being completely unhelpful by saying that I would not judge her in the slightest if she stayed, but that I wanted to impress upon her just how difficult things could get if she did stay. At the end of the conversation, we realized that what it came down to was "Was it worth it?". I had no answer for her and I just felt really bad about the situation she was in.

What was really interesting was that 2 months prior, I was telling her how GREAT relationships could be. She was hesitant to fall in love, especially because she was very aware of a difficult relationship that I was dealing with/ending. But I continued to INSIST that it was totally worth it. The heart-ache, the pain, the emotional insecurity was a totally fair price because being in love, being in a relationship was AWESOME. I used the analogy that when you are in a relationship, you are greater than the sum of your parts. 1+1=3. But today, one plus one equaled negative 6.

Then I thought about my other two friends who were dealing with similar situations. They truly loved the person they were with, but there were external factors that were literally tearing them up inside. All of their emotional energy was being spent on their relationships, as they struggled to decide if it was worth it. Was it worth hurting my parents, was it worth changing my beliefs, was it worth hurting myself? What do I believe, how important are these things to me, how important is this relationship to me, I don't want to hurt him, but maybe I have to, can I handle this discrepancy in our feelings, what is right, what is wrong? Do I even want to put this much energy into this relationship? A great amount of stress and anxiety was expressed. It was very difficult to watch.

And always it would come down to that same question: Is it worth it? To be honest, I don't know. As I watched my friends in pain, and I thought about my own pain and emotional stress that I was experiencing over a failed relationship, I thought "Nope, we should all just get vibrators instead." But of course my friend pointed out the conversation we had had 2 months ago and expressed he facetious disappointment at my cynicism.

But the fact remained, NONE of us knew if it was worth it! I mean, at the end of the day, what was gained from the heartache? I look at past relationships, seeing what was gained from the heartache and I find that I had nothing. I don't look back at the breakup with my first love and think "Wow, I learned a lot from that." I think "God that was an awful time, I'm glad that's over." I look at what I'm going through right now and I think, "Can this PLEASE be over now?!" It's just awful, ticking off the days until you feel nothing. But even after the months and years have done their job and healed your wound, you find that two years later you scrape your heart against something new and it breaks wide open again; maybe for a moment, maybe for a day, but still there, reminding you of the pain that shadows all the goodness that you felt when you were in love.

I would like to sit here and say that we learn things from each relationship, and that being in love is so worth it. Two months ago I did. But as I watch my friends struggle with their decision to end or continue their relationships, I just can't muster up the optimism. All I think is "No. No it's not worth it. It's just too hard. It's better to love your friends, your family, yourself, and leave the romance to poems and movies. Because the reality is much more bloody, much more damaging, and simply much harder than the movies would like to admit."

3 comments:

  1. first, i loved this post! its the first post from your blog that ive read and im so glad i did. I also wonder how it is possible that my position on this "is/was it worth it" question changes all the freaking time...and i avoid asking myself if im really that fickle. i have nothing to offer but my empathy.

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  2. wish i had any kind of optimism to offer. i could think of only one thing as i read this post - the music video to "someday you will be loved" by death cab for cutie.

    http://vids.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=vids.individual&videoid=53378449

    as i was reeling in the throes of agony after my last breakup, i tried to find meaning in the experience. "what have i learned?" treachery and distrust of emotional intimacy, although true, seemed empty. the most meaningful answer i could find was "compassion." as to whether it's worth it... bah. humbug.

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  3. huh, so i kinda feel weird commenting on this seeing as how i've never been in an actual relationship, and maybe i have an idealize view of love, i don't know. but i do know that people come into our lives for a reason and that it's up to us to find that reason, even through the heartbreak and the pain and the agony of a lost love. you can't say that in all the time you've been with someone that you didn't change, you didn't grow. if anything you've learned that you'll never date a person like that again. and maybe all those painful relationships were to show you that you're okay being alone. i don't know what situation you're in, but i do know that a love, even a bad one is or was worth it. love is a part of life. It's our experiences that makes us what we are, defines us and gives us our story. at the end of this day we call life, all we have is our story.

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